L and Emotion

So in the previous post I talked about L’s appointment with Pulmonary and PH. How her tests came back fine, but I still thought something was wrong.

Well, here’s the deal. So Dr R (The pulmonologist) listened to me, and ordered a continous o2 monitoring on Lily. Not just at night. He listened to me and understood she’s having these spells when she’s active.

So we got the monitor. We put it on her periodically over a couple days. 

Yesterday, Dr. R called me. He said that L maintains at about 97 percent normally (which is great!) but… BUT she IS having sat drops. Sometimes into the high 70s! They’re generally brief, lasting anywhere from 10 seconds to 2.5 minutes, but they are there!

I felt like jumping into air and yelling “YES! YES! I FREAKING KNEW IT!” at the same time as I felt like sitting down and burying myself in a bottle of liquor because… You probably guessed this was coming … L is back on O2. As of yesterday evening.

But at least now that we have verified sat drops, there is an urgency to getting in and taking a look at her insides.

…

I think about George every day. And for the most part now, I don’t really feel much. I can still start crying at the drop of the dime, but its rare. I cry about once per week, and it always comes out of nowhere it seems like.

The other times… well, I thought I was adjusting and all that, but I realized that’s not it. Its that the only thing I really FEEL anymore is anger.

I’m not angry at George. I’m not angry at the Doctors. I’m angry with myself. For lots of reasons that don’t need put into words, but that anger is spilling over into everything.  I’m either quietly stewing, or cursing and wanting to punch things. I’m frustrated or indignant. There is so much rage in every part of me that I don’t know how to handle.

And you know what really freaking gets me? That I’m expected to be considerate of other people’s feelings. That I need to ‘give them time’. Why the HELL do they need time? Their kid is not the one who died. MINE IS. MINE IS!!! and yet ‘people tried to help you, but you pushed them away’.

BULLCRAP! Trying to refriend me on facebook without even bothering to send a message is NOT trying to help me. Its wanting to get in on the drama. 

I’m not that effing stupid! 

Saying “I’m sorry” to me doesn’t do anything but make THEM feel better. And they don’t like that I KNOW that. 

I am NOT touchy-feely. I am NOT some super emotional bag of sobs. I EXPECTED better of people, and I was sorely disappointed by the fact that beyond that first couple weeks, no one except for like 3 people have even TRIED to be my friend when I needed them. When I damn well would have tried my best to be there for them!

SO, you know what? Screw all of you. Go take a flying leap! 

Read this post and whine and gripe about how ‘you’ve tried to help me’.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Keep telling yourself that. You people who can’t even be bothered to say hi to me unless I reach out first. Keep. Telling. Yourselves. That.

Whatever makes you feel better.

I’ve learned my lesson. Finally learned it. That people only care as long as its convenient for them. Because the people who SHOULD have known me, who know my first reaction is to back away, who know how desperately I need them even if its hard for me to actually ask for help? The ones I counted as my closest friends? The people I thought would help me fight myself? Yeah. Right. Its not convenient to be a friend to someone who is suffering. But yet they can get offended by honesty. HAH!

Because its too flipping hard to just say ‘hi. Thinking of you.”. or send a funny joke or somethign like that. God knows thats too freaking hard!

Hopefully someone will have their backs when their world comes crashing down around them. It certainly won’t be me.

On a lighter note: There’s a very few of you who know this doesn’t apply to you. And to everyone who sent cookies and chocolate early on – Thank you, again. Chocolate makes a girl happier.