Posts Tagged ‘before death’

Before George died (BGD) and After George died (AGD) are two separate pieces of my life, and try as I might, I can’t make the two meet.

This has led to me having a great deal of bitterness towards a great many things (and people). It has also made it very easy to overlook some of the good deeds that people did for me BGD. 

My grief has also made it impossible to see other’s grief. Though I think that in part that is because I still don’t understand how someone can grieve for someone that they barely knew. One of those things that sometimes I think I understand, but then as quickly as the very next day, I don’t get.

Anyways, back on track… This rage and grief though are a dangerous mix that, for the most part, I manage to keep contained. But when it spills over, it makes a fantastically horrible mess.

I hurt a dear friend of mine when that rage and grief spilled over. I know I shouldn’t have. But I could not stop it. It wasn’t even that much of it was directed at her, but enough of it was that it hurt her, and I can only imagine that it was hard to separate the small kernels from the whole overload that I unleashed.

I can’t regret everything that I said, because most of it needed to come out. A boil that needed lanced, if you will. It just didn’t need to be unloaded on to her. I should have written it out, or talked to one of my friends who knew how to handle the darkness in me right now. I was bawling as we talked, and had made up my mind to completely withdraw from basically everyone besides one or two people because of that rage and grief.

Because, like I’ve stated here before, most of the (few) people that I thought would stand for me when I could not stand, could hold me up when I was ready to collapse… they did not perform as I needed them to. They backed away.

Having time to think about it, I do see the points that she was trying to make. That it is hard to know how to approach someone who is grieving. It is hard to find the words to say.  And I knew. I KNEW how people were going to react. 

I would be lying to say that I’m not angry about how things played out with various people. But I would be lying if I said that it was the primary reason that I was angry. My anger comes from the fact that my daughter is dead. Everything else that I’m angry about is an offshoot of that.

I honestly do not hold much personally directed anger at ANYONE for their actions/reactions AGD. It is more of a broadly cast net than anything.

She tried her best to be a good friend to me, but I just don’t have the ability to see anything more than my pain right now. I cannot give/return, emotionally, when I have no good emotions in me.

I wish I knew when that was going to change.